One Day at the Malfoy Manor
by TheDreamPolice
Summary: Just a typical day at Voldemort’s new hideout? I don’t think so! Rated M for language and adult humor.
1. The Wrong Drink

**One Day at the Malfoy Manor…**

**Summary: Just a typical day at Voldemort's new hideout? I don't think so…Rated M for language and adult humor.**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its related characters._**  
**

_Chapter 1_

Lucius Malfoy exited the kitchen, a large glass of something colorfully alcoholic held carefully in his hands, moving as carefully as possible so as to avoid spilling a single drop. He looked down at the Tacky Tequila he had mixed so meticulously for his master, eyeing the way the liquid swilled ominously in its glass, threatening to spill. He promptly slowed his pace a little.

Five minutes later, Lucius was halfway to the dining room when his painstakingly careful shuffle caused him to break out in sweat. He bit his lip, glancing from the glass to the hall ahead of him and back. He was just over halfway there. _Just a bit farther,_ he thought desperately.

Suddenly a snide voice popped out of the sitting room, which he had just passed, nearly making him drop the rainbow-colored concoction.

"You really are a moron, Lucius," sneered the voice of Bellatrix Lestrange. Lucius turned around slowly, taking a full ten seconds to face her. She was leaning up against the door frame, looking from him to the drink in his hands.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Lucius barked.

"It _means_, dear Lucius, that you have apparently forgotten about a certain long, wooden stick in your pocket, which—"

"My dick is NOT made of wood, thank you very much!" snarled Lucius. His face had gone very red.

Bellatrix sighed. "I rest my case…I wasn't talking about your _dick_, you dumb blonde, I was talking about your WAND! You could LEVITATE the fucking drink and make your life a whole lot easier, no?"

Lucius blushed even more and mumbled something like "wood…how ridiculous…" as he pulled out is wand and muttered the Levitation Charm. He then strode normally to the dining room, where Lord Voldemort sat, looking over a map.

"Your drink, my Lord." Lucius said, bowing as the drink came to rest on the table in front of him.

Voldemort eyed the drink with silent scrutiny but then sipped some through the straw, a strange look crossing his deformed face. Before Lucius knew what was happening, Voldemort had picked the drink up and hurled it at him, shattering the glass on his face and covering him in tequila and who knows what other tacky ingredients. In an instant he was shouting.

"TACKY TEQUILA?!!_**TACKY TEQUILA!!! **_YOU DIPSHIT—I ASK FOR A KINKY KAHLUA, AND YOU BRING ME A FUCKING _**TACKY TEQUILA!**_"

Lucius was on the ground and backing away as fast as he could—until his back hit the wall.

"_Shit! Trapped, doomed_…Master…no…NO, PLEASE, MASTER, PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!"

Voldemort was nose to nose with Lucius, bending over his cowering body with his wand pointed threateningly at Lucius's face. They stood that way for a minute or so, Voldemort's furious red eyes staring down Lucius's cold gray ones.

Suddenly, Voldemort jabbed Lucius in the eye with his wand. As Lucius clapped his hands over his left eye, Voldemort smirked evilly. "Next time, Lucius, you _will _bring me the right drink, or I _will_ kill you."

"Y-y-yes, master…" Lucius said, dripping blood on the floor as he crawled from the room.

Bellatrix and Narcissa watched in silent amusement as Lucius crawled by the sitting room and into the kitchen to make his master's Kinky Kahlua. Suddenly, Bellatrix was overwhelmed with a random curiosity.

"_Is_ his dick made of wood?" Bellatrix whispered.

_End Chapter 1_

**A/N: Review please!**


	2. Harry Potter Returns!

_**One Day at the Malfoy Manor**_

_Chapter 2_

Ten minutes later, after Lucius had finally brought Voldemort his Kinky Kahlua, he and his heinous henchmen sat around the table in the dining room, poring over the map of Britain Voldemort had been marking.

"So, first we take over London, then we get inside the Ministry of Magic and BLOW IT TO SMITHEREENS using nukyeler bombs! Muahahahahahaaa!" he laughed evilly.

Lucius Malfoy, who was holding a large bandage to his still-bleeding eye, raised a bloody eyebrow. "But my Lord," he said tentatively, "Wouldn't it be much more useful if we took _control_ of the—"

"Lucius…" said Voldemort dangerously.

"Eh-eh…y-yes, my Lord?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'm making the plans here, moron! You can't even mix the right drink for me and you _dare_ to tell me what is more effective?"

"My apologies, Master…" whimpered Malfoy. He bowed his head and spoke no more.

"That would make too much sense anyway," continued Voldemort as he looked at the map, scratching his chin.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door down the hall. Everyone in the room except Voldemort gave a start and looked around.

"Wormtail, go and see who it is," he ordered without looking up. "If it's another one of those Muggle cops, tell them you don't speak English."

Wormtail scampered down the hall with a quiet "yes, Master" to open the door.

Whoever it was knocked again.

"Who's there?" asked Wormtail.

"Banana," said whoever it was.

"Banana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Let me the fuck in already!"

"Let-me-the-fuck-in-already, who?"

_BOOM!_ The door was blasted off its hinges with a huge burst of fire. Wormtail screamed, running off down the street and trying to put his burning clothes out.

"Rrrrgh. What the hell is going on over there?" growled Voldemort.

Just then, a young man with messy black hair and glasses burst into the dining room, followed by another, taller young man with red hair and freckles and a girl with bushy brown hair.

"It is I, Harry Potter!" he said, brandishing his wand impressively, "And I've come to stop you!"

All the Death Eaters in the room fled under the table, leaving Voldemort, Harry, Ron, and Hermione to stare each other down. Voldemort stared at Harry with mounting anger, radiating his fury into the silent room, but then his face broke out into a wide, sinister grin. "Hmm, come to stop me, ey?"

"That's right!" replied Harry with a flamboyantly heroic tone. "And thereby save the wizarding world!"

"Well then…" thought Voldemort for a moment. Suddenly, "_AVADA KEDAVRA_!"

There was a flash of green light, and in the split second before the curse hit Harry there were two dramatically timed exclamations of "OH NO!" from Ron and Hermione and one "Ah, _shit!_" from Dumbledore's spirit above as he slapped his forehead in exasperation—but what came next surprised everyone in the room, even the three young heroes, and even Dumbledore's celestial manifestation: at the moment Voldemort's curse was about to hit Harry, a huge steam engine roared out of the walls and in between Harry and Voldemort, taking the curse for him. The resounding CLONG of the curse hitting the massive hull made everyone's ribs vibrate. As the train sped off through the opposite wall and into the horizon, everybody gaped at the utter absurdity of what had just happened.

"What in Satan's flaming toilet was _that_?" said Lucius.

"SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT!" screamed Voldemort. "THERE IS NO _**SATAN!**_ THERE IS NO_** GOD!**_ THERE IS ONLY _**ME!**_"

("Boy, is HE in for a surprise…" said a certain red man with a pointed tail and a wicked grin as he listened to Voldemort's screams from miles beneath the surface.)

"Yeah, well that's not saying much, considering YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS!" yelled Harry in a manner very reminiscent of a high-school freshman.

This caught Voldemort off guard. "What are you—of course I have—but—" he spluttered, "Wait! NO I DON'T! I don't need friends!"

"You'll always have _me_, master…" purred Bellatrix as she snaked up close to him.

"HEY! _I'm_ supposed to be the one kissing ass here!" interjected Severus Snape angrily as he pushed Bellatrix aside.

"Get the fuck away from me, both of you! _Now!_" snarled Voldemort.

"But _Master!_" whined Bellatrix and Snape simultaneously.

All the while, the Golden Trio watched as the argument continued to unfold before their eyes. After several moments of their eyes moving back and forth between Voldemort and various other Death Eaters, Ron piped up, "Hey guys, let's go get sloshed!"

"Oh, _marvelous_ idea, Ron," retorted Hermione sarcastically.

"Oi! I'm the one who gives orders here!" exclaimed Harry indignantly. "What I say goes, and I say we get _smashed_!"

"Whatever. Let's just go," sighed Hermione. The three then turned and left the manor.

Five minutes and innumerable swearwords later, Voldemort had finally silenced all the arguing Death Eaters with a loud _bang_ from his wand. "Now that your traps are all shut, I do believe we have some _guests_ to attend to!" Voldemort shouted, his pale face now beet red.

"Ehm…no, my Lord, we don't." said Lucius. He pointed at the wreckage of the door, where the three teenagers no longer stood.

All the Death Eaters cringed, expecting an explosive outburst from their master, but instead Voldemort burst into tears. He then threw himself facedown on the floor, beating his fists and sobbing, "No! No! Nononononoooo! I was close! I WAS SO CLOSE! WAAAAAAAH!!!"

And so the Death Eaters all watched in amazement as their master, normally quick-tempered and cold, threw a temper tantrum worthy of a three-year-old denied sweets before their bewildered eyes.

- END -

**A/N: I could barely stand to write "nukyeler" in place of "nuclear," but I thought it would make it more ridiculous.**

**Hey, see that button at the bottom of the page? The one that says "submit review Go" on it? Click on it. Write me a review. Now.**


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